Tive que eliminar bastantes... algumas até eram iguais Às do David Hasselhof...
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****** Indian.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
13. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
15. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
18. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
19. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
20. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
21. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
23. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
24. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
26. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
28. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
29. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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domingo, 5 de fevereiro de 2006
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30. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
31. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
32. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
33. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will ****** you up.
34. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
35. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
36. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
37. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
38. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
40. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
41. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
45. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
46. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
47. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
50. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
52. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
53. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
56. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
57. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
60. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
61. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
64. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
67. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
68. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
69. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
73. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
74. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
76. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
78. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
80. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
81. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
83. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
85. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
87. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
88. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
97. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
100. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
101. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
103. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
106. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
107. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
108. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
109. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
110. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
113. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
114. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
115. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
117. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
121. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
122. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
128. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
132. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
133. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
135. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
137. Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye can't change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
141. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
147. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
149. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
150. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
156. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
157. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
158. The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
159. Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
161. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
162 . A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1-Heart disease, 2-Chuck Norris, 3-Cancer
163. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
164. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
170. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
171. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
173. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
174. As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
175. When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
176. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
178. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
181. Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
182. For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
183. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
184. It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
185. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
186. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
187. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
188. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
189. Chuck norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
190. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
191. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
192. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
193. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
194. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
195. Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
196. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
197. When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
198. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
199. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
200. Chuck Norris can turn normal water into holy water by beating the hell out of it with his fists.
201. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
202. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take ****** from anybody.
203. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
204. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
205. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
206. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
207. Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
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